Leave Right Now
by msgordo3
Summary: Daniel's POV as he watches and wishes


Title: Leave Right Now Author: Karen Rating: PG 13 Category: Angst and Romance. Pairing: Daniel/Janet Disclaimer: Not mine, not a one. Synopsis: Daniel watches and wishes. A/N: Ok, this was knocked up in ten minutes flat so apologies if it blows. The song is Will Young's 'Leave Right Now' and I love this song. There is no excuse. As a dyed in the wool rock chick I'm deeply ashamed of myself. Dedication: For Meg, hope this helps.  
  
It's hard seeing your salvation and being too afraid to reach for it. In my defence, at first glance, it's not like my salvation is an all singing, all dancing sign of my redemption. She's short, a single mom and she's got a temper on her meaner than an average snake if you cross her. But she's all I can see when I close my eyes at night and that has to mean something. Right?  
  
Dr Janet Frasier, it's not really a name that's up there with Helen of Troy or Juliet Capulet but in my heart and mind she's the great romantic lead of my life. Or she could be if only I could get up the nerve to ask her out. It's not like there hasn't been the opportunity over the years I've known her. I know the first three were rather taken up with my search for my abducted wife, Sha're, but when she was killed I was officially a free man, not just an abandoned one.  
  
Losing Sha're took a lot out of me, there's no denying that. She was the first to value me for what, for *who*, I was. There was no secret smiles or pointed sighs when I allowed myself to drift away on seas of translations or drown in a flood of knowledge pulled from ancient writings, just understanding that the work that took me away from her and made me unreachable even when I stood by her side was important to me and therefore to her. Sha're loved me; dusty, jagged rocks and all.  
  
Janet likes me. I think. I'm pretty sure she does. If she doesn't then she's sure put in a lot of time and effort saving the life of someone that doesn't really matter to her over the years I've known her. Yeah, she definitely cares about me, at least as a patient and maybe as a friend. The problem is it's kind of hard to be sure. She's warm and welcoming whenever I see her, but she's like that with everyone. The smile that I have found myself living for over the past few years, the smile that snuck up on me and made itself as necessary as oxygen or food, is directed at everyone that steps foot through the doors of her Infirmary. The eyes that shine with humour and dedication when she looks at me are allowed to drift over anyone that needs her help or attention and the hands that I long to feel against me brush without thought over others as she cures and heals them. I ask you, is that fair?  
  
I've tried to be scientific about this. I know, logically, that the feelings I have for Janet are the result of certain compatible chemicals and hormones in our bodies. Therefore, in theory, if I am aware of what is causing my pounding heart and sweating palms than I should be able to do something to stop it, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. Knowing what is causing these overwhelming feelings every time I set foot in the same building as her, let alone the same room, does nothing to eradicate my symptoms; they seem, if anything, to get worse. And I don't want them. At all.  
  
Bad things happen when you care about someone. They always, *always*, leave you. I think sometimes its actually easier if they die; at least you know that they haven't left you through choice, because the pain of a deliberate rejection is sharp enough to make you bleed without ever opening a wound. And that's the kind of power this woman has over me without so much as an overly intimate touch passing between us. I don't understand how I allowed this to happen.  
  
I think she makes me feel safe. In my own uncertain world I have one constant. Janet. That soft touch and velvet voice greeting me as I step, or get carried, through her doors after yet another mission through the Stargate. She's always there to catch me when I fall and in all my life I never had another person be that for me. One touch from her and I feel like I've been wrapped in a warm blanket before a roaring fire and the thunder that has been stretching my nerves to breaking point is relegated safely outside behind windows and closed curtains and the only thing in my world that matters is her smile. My Janet. Or everyone's Janet depending on how you look at it.  
  
Even when I first came back from my ascension and I didn't recognise anyone at the SGC there was something about Janet that soothed me. Her capable manner, the calm way she accessed me and still managed to cope with an abrasive Jack as he peppered her with questions. Even though her expressive eyes were flooded with her own emotions as she methodically worked her way through her tests and examinations, she still managed to take the edge off my raw nerves and surround me with an air of serenity that did more to calm me than all of SG1's desperate relief and joy that I was back with them. And she gave me back my glasses, which definitely helped.  
  
So what could I possibly offer a woman like Janet that would keep her at my side until the day I died? The answer is, sadly, nothing. I know how emotionally repressed I am. How scared, how needy and that isn't what Janet needs in the man she chooses for her life partner. She's career military and she has a strength of spirit to match her gentle soul that I could never match. Janet is fearless in her decisions and emotions and that is something I could never be. She needs someone to share her burden, not add to it. Someone to lean on that won't crumble with his own need to be held and be comforted and that's just not me. I don't know who it is but I *know* it isn't me.  
  
Which is why I sit perched on my favourite cot in the Infirmary and watch the woman of my dreams laugh with my team-mates and thrill quietly that I'm lucky enough to get to see her at all. Her hair is swinging loosely around her face as she crinkles her nose at Jack and mock threatens him with a bigger needle if he doesn't quit whining and let her complete his blood tests. Her voluminous lab coat hides the trim curves that I know move under her uniform and her eyes shine with humour as the thoroughly vanquished Jack scowls and scuttles from the room the minute her needle has left his arm. She's beautiful when she laughs.  
  
I watch as she makes short work of examining Sam and Teal'c who both beat a hasty retreat to the showers the minute she's through with them. I feel my heart rate pick up as she turns to me with another of her quirky smiles and then I'm lost as her hand touches the skin of my forearm and she begins my post-mission exam. The questions are light and routine and we both go through them by rote as she draws blood and performs her tests. A small flicker of concern mars her face as she sees that my heart is beating slightly fast but I reassure her that it's nothing more than the result of three hours sleep in the last day and nothing more substantial to eat than a granola bar. Her brown eyes flash with something like annoyance before she marches to the nearest phone and orders food to be send up and I can't help the small smile on my face as she glares at me to dare to contradict her and sneak out without following her orders.  
  
Not me, Doctor. Nuh-uh. You see I may know I haven't got a chance with you and that I should really make my exit as soon as I can to try and stop this torture, but I still can't seem to make my boots hit the floor and start walking. I know that letting myself bask in the warmth of your presence now will only make it that much harder to leave when you decide I've eaten sufficiently and that I'm fit to be released but somehow I just can't seem to care. My life is cold enough already without hiding away from my sun and I want just a few more minutes of your smile. I'll worry about the cost tomorrow.  
  
The End.  
  
I'm here, just like I said Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made My racing heart is just the same Why make it strong to break it once again? And I'd love to say I do, give everything to you That I can ever now be true So I say I think I'd better leave right now, before I fall any deeper I think I'd better leave right now, feeling weaker and weaker Somebody better show me how, before I fall any deeper Think I'd better leave right now I'm here, so please explain Why you're opening up a healing wound again? I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows But if I lose the highs, at least I'm spared the lows Now if I tremble in your arms What could be the harm, to feel my spirit calm? I think I'd better leave right now, before I fall any deeper I think I'd better leave right now, feeling weaker and weaker Somebody better show me how, before I fall any deeper Think I'd better leave right now I wouldn't know how to say How good it feels seeing you today I see you got your smile back Now you say you're right on track, but You may never know why Once bitten, twice as shy If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain I couldn't bear to lose you again I think I'd better leave right now, before I fall any deeper I think I'd better leave right now, feeling weaker and weaker Somebody better show me how, before I fall any deeper Think I'd better leave right now 


End file.
